Struggling

I have really been struggling in the 6+ weeks since my FET ended in a chemical pregnancy.  Up until now, each loss was hard, but eventually I regained optimism. This has been different. The more time that goes by, the more it starts to sink in that there is a very good chance our reality is we will not be able to have children, ever.

I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there are no guarantees. Even the things that are “supposed” to work, don’t. 1 in 8 people struggle with infertility. I am one of them. 1 in 100 people suffer recurrent pregnancy loss. I’m one of those *lucky* ones, too. IVF with PGS is supposed to reduce the risk of miscarriage to 5% or less. Yup, also on the wrong side of that statistic.  Why would I believe at this point that anything will work?

I don’t know why I plan to keep trying when I feel this way. I guess because when it’s all over I don’t want to regret having left any stone un-turned.

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And more normal results…

On Saturday my RE at SIRM emailed me with the results of the immune testing. My natural killer cells are at 9%, which apparently is perfectly normal. My TH1/TH2 ratio is well balanced.

I knew this would happen. I am for the millionth time, back at square one. 2 years, 2 RE’s, 4 miscarriages, 6 medicated cycles, 1 IVF and 0 answers. I feel more discouraged than ever. I guess I thought at least if I had some crazy abnormal results from these tests, it would explain everything and I would have something to treat.

Now I have no idea what to do next. I was told if these tests did come back normal, we’d possibly try Neupogen. But what is the point? Its costly and who knows what the risks and side effects are. And odds are slim to none it is going to be the miracle cure. I have a new creeping fear that there is something wrong on a deeper level with my eggs/our embryos, and not even using a gestational carrier will get around that issue.

I have let the reality set in lately that I truly may never have children. Part of me has already mentally checked out of this process. I just don’t believe anything will ever work.

Still no answers

Yesterday was my hysteroscopy, and just like the rest of my RPL testing, it was perfectly normal. Nary a polyp in sight.

I know logically that finding some surprise ginormous septum wouldn’t have been good. It just would have been an additional complicating factor. But I am so desperate for some explanation as to why I have had 4 miscarriages in 15 months’ time. According to all the testing I have had done (which is quite a bit), I am one healthy individual. I guess you can be healthy and still be an embryo serial killer. Who knew.

I spoke with my current RE later in the day and he had made a point of touching base with the creator of the EFT test which I am having done with this mock cycle coming up. It was suggested that we do a series of two endometrial biopsies during the cycle (fun!) in order to yield the best results. Twice the money, twice the pain. I really hope I don’t end up out $1200 for MORE non-answers. My husband is skeptical but leaving the decision up to me to go forward with the testing. Part of me will feel like a fool if it yields no answers but at least I won’t have any regrets or second thoughts about not having done it.

The bloodwork I am having done next week is pretty much my last chance to get any answers. Something though tells me I will have the most perfectly normal level of natural killer cells and T helper cells.

Tonight starts Lupron and so ends my one month break from injections. I’m back on the horse!

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Making progress!

I closed the loop this week on my tour de RE’s and sat down once more with my current RE. We discussed what I learned from my meetings with the other 2 RE’s and what we’ll do moving forward.

I have a hysteroscopy scheduled with him for tomorrow which I am nervous about since it is an operative hysteroscopy and I will be under anesthesia. The whole anesthesia/surgery/risks thing has me on edge but I hope the procedure is productive. Part of me wishes that they will find something in there that will give some sort of “Ah ha!” but I know realistically there probably won’t be any answers gleaned from the procedure. At least it will give me an excuse to lay around the rest of the day – We just started watching American Horror Story, so maybe a Netflix binge will be in store for my recovery.

As far as next steps: After the hysteroscopy, I’m going straight into a mock FET cycle. Basically I will do everything I would do for an FET, just without the transfer. Instead, an endometrial biopsy will be taken towards the end of the cycle and sent off to Yale for their EFT test. It is my understanding this test will tell us more about the receptivity of my uterus/endometrium. If the results come back abnormal, my current RE will confer with my other RE at SIRM to decide a course of treatment.

I am also working on completing some bloodwork ordered by the RE at SIRM. This includes:

  • Vitamin D (This already came back normal with a level of 54)
  • TSH/Free T4/Thyroid Antibodies (Also came back normal)
  • Natural Killer cells assay (To be completed next week)
  • TH1/TH2 (Also to be completed next week)

I have a feeling these results are all going to come back normal, and then we’ll still have no answers. Once the results are all in, I’ll get together with the RE at SIRM again to discuss treatment for my next FET, which I am thinking will be something in the fall.