I need an attitude makeover.

My transfer is 13 days away and my attitude sucks.

I have zero hope this will work. I have already cried multiple times just thinking about the bad news I will receive on beta day. I have a pit in my stomach that grows by the day.  I am simply dreading this. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I know I will sound crazy.  How can you possibly know this is a failure before it has even happened? 

I just know.

I think I’ve searched every corner of the internet for stories like mine.  Suffice it to say, there aren’t very many.  And those that I have found, don’t exactly have happy endings.

It won’t work, I’ll have another chemical pregnancy, no embryos remaining, be out thousands of dollars, and probably get fucking cancer from the Neupogen.

FET Cycle #2 Begins Today

Today officially marked the start of our second FET cycle. After waiting to see if my insurance would authorize this cycle since my first cycle didn’t make it to transfer (it was a freeze-all for PGS), and getting the subsequent denial, we moved forward with baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning.

Everything looked A-OK and the date is set.  On October 6, we will transfer our remaining two embryos. (Yes, my husband finally agreed that was the best course of action. Small victory!) Beta is set for 11 days after the transfer which is going to be an agonizing wait, considering I have decided I will not take any tests at home this time. Last cycle I tested every day (twice a day) from 5dp5dt through 9dp5dt and it almost drove me to the looney bin.  I am embarrassed to admit I actually carried the tests around with me, squinting at them in different lights trying to determine whether the line was getting darker. I simply can’t do that to myself again.

I wish I was excited about this.  Instead, I just have a pit in my stomach.  The thought of going through another chemical pregnancy is too much to take. I feel sick just thinking about waiting for the dreaded phone call on beta day.  I feel like I am hovering over a line right now – Am I someone who just had very bad luck with a PGS normal embryo last time? Or is there something wrong with me that NO ONE can figure out and renders me doomed to continue to have loss after loss?

If this cycle ends in another loss, I will know I fall into the latter category, and that is a scary place to be.  There are no hard and fast solutions for those in that category.  In that category, your success hinges on a stroke of GOOD luck for once. I have had zero good luck in the past two years, so you do the math on that one.

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Moving forward: FET #2

Yesterday I met with my SIRM RE to discuss my next FET. We decided to try Neupogen, which did not come as a surprise to me, considering we had been discussing it over email. I will be doing 0.4mL every 4 days, starting the first day of progesterone. My WBC will not be monitored, which is a bit concerning to me, but I was assured the dose was small enough that I was not at any risk. I am encouraged by the small studies I have read so far about the high success rate with women who have unexplained RPL, but I know this is not a magic cure.  I felt sure PGS would be the answer, and it wasn’t. So I can’t really bring myself to put much stock in any treatments at this point.

It's like liquid gold. $600 for this tiny vial!
It’s like liquid gold. $600 for this tiny vial!

I also came away from this meeting pretty concerned about the quality of my remaining frozen embryos. What we transferred for my first FET that wound up a chemical pregnancy was a day 6 blast, and was my only expanded, best quality one. What we have left are 2 average-graded, unexpanded blasts. One is a day 5 which is fine, the other is a day 6. My understanding is an unexpanded blast at day 6 is no bueno.

My SIRM RE says it is definitely worth transferring both over two separate eSET’s because even “ugly” embryos can become babies. But I feel totally hopeless about the remaining day 6. The thought of investing time, money and more Lupron craziness on a cycle with a crappy embryo is really hard to swallow. My mind is made up that I want to transfer both remaining embryos next cycle, but my husband strongly disagrees.  He is very wary of the risks associated with twins, and while those are not lost on me, they are risks I am willing to accept.

I have no idea how we are going to come to a decision on this. For now I am taking the healthy, mature approach of avoiding discussing the topic simply because it stresses me out too much to deal with it right now.