Defeated

I have been feeling so defeated ever since our most recent FET failed and the reality hit that we have no embryos and no insurance coverage left. I know that we have been extremely fortunate to have the first ER and FET covered, but it still doesn’t change what lies ahead.

I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed by how much money we are going to sink into building our family moving forward. Our top priority is to have a biological child, and for me to carry it if at all possible.  This means we are ready to give IVF another go (well actually a few more go’s), and if that all fails, surrogacy.

My knee-jerk reaction after our last FET was to get the patient registration process started with a reproductive immunologist. But once I received all the paperwork and saw just how staggering the costs are, it became clear that if we cycle a few times there and do not take a home a baby, there is no way we can then take on the financial burden of a surrogate. We would be talking about well over six figures, and those costs are life altering. It is a huge bitter pill to swallow.

I thought we had found a saving grace last week when I discovered a shared risk package offered by my current RE: for $19k you get 3 ER’s and 3 FET’s, plus 70% of your money back if you don’t take home a baby. That would have allowed us to try a few more times on our own, take some embryos to the RI after that, and then try a surrogate if all else failed. Unfortunately today I found out we did not qualify for the program, and there are no other packages offered by my RE. In fact, while they do offer tiered pricing based on income for self-pay patients, we only qualify for the highest pricing. We just can’t catch a break. I know we are fortunate that we do well and live comfortably, but what good does that do when the price of building your family is so astronomical?

I am going to put this all on the back burner for now and start an injectable IUI cycle just to stay busy while we figure out what’s next. Tomorrow is my baseline. I have pretty much zero hope it will work, but I will still hope and pray for a miracle.

BFN

I held out until this morning to test, and not to my surprise, it was stark white. I am 7dp5dt so I know very well it is an accurate result by this point.

I should be devastated, and I guess I kind of am, but I am mostly relieved it isn’t another chemical pregnancy. A lot of the sting was also taken away by the fact that I knew in my heart of hearts this would be the outcome. I have technically been pregnant 4 times, I know what it feels like by now, and I just wasn’t feeling it this time.

I am mostly overwhelmed about what’s next. We are out of embryos, so to cycle again is going to cost a lot of money. Originally we were planning on giving it one more go at our current clinic before moving on, but we discussed it again this morning and my husband is now on board with moving on to another practice. We are planning to see a well known Reproductive Immunologist in NYC. We sprung into action this morning, and have gotten the ball rolling to get set up as a patient with this new doctor. We are meeting with my current RE in 2 weeks to see if he would be willing to keep doing monitored IUI’s with us in the meantime so that we aren’t wasting time while we wait. We also need to discuss with him doing satellite monitoring at his practice.

Too much to think about right now. When I have a failed cycle I always tend to start moving a mile a minute making plans since being proactive is normally comforting for me. I may need to slow down and take some time to cry it out now, so that I don’t go crazy later. Whenever I react in an uncharacteristically calm way, my husband gets very skeptical and jokes “serenity now.”

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4dp5dt

I was feeling hopeful about this FET until this week turned into a complete disaster.

Wednesday night I fell asleep early and woke up nauseous, dizzy, confused and numb all over.  Thinking I was having a bad reaction to one of my meds, I went to the ER. 6 hours and 10 vials of blood later, nothing was wrong with me.  I still don’t know what happened, although my husband thinks it was a panic attack.  With the state my body was in, I can’t imagine it was good for my embryos.

Thursday afternoon I was going through my work bag and found a Ziploc bag with 2 little blue pills in it, meaning I completely forgot to take my Estrace at some point this week.  That can’t have been good for my lining.  I honestly would be shocked if that didn’t ruin the whole cycle.

Today is 4dp5dt and I am having period-like cramping. I know some say it is a good sign, but I have technically been pregnant 4 times before this and with none of those BFP’s did I get this type of cramping.  I normally get some very distinct poking feelings in my stomach, which are totally absent this time. I really want to test and get the disappointment over with, but I’m not in the mood to play the “is it a line?” game today.

Originally I was going to hold off until beta day to test, but I’m now thinking I’ll test on 7dp5dt. I know a BFN at that point isn’t going to change, and I’m working from home that day so I can take the day to cry and feel sorry for myself without having to put a smile on for anyone.

1dp5dt

As of yesterday I am PUPO with our final two embryos.  According to my RE they had good grades (Uh what? See previous post). The transfer itself went really well, no issues at all. On the way home we stopped for fries and my husband insisted on going to a different McDonald’s this time because he thought the one we stopped at on our way home from the first trasnfer was bad luck. He’s cute.

Last night I found myself googling “how soon after FET does implantation happen?” And it made me hate myself a little bit. The temptation to test at home is already strong because if it didn’t work at all I want to know as soon as possible rather than let my hopes build for another week.  But ultimately I know it is a bad idea. I think at most, maybe I will take a test the morning of my beta just so that I am not blindsided by the phone call.

I have to keep reminding myself that even though these were our last two embryos, it is not the end of the road if it doesn’t work. I have a contingency plan in place, and have already printed the medical records release form to get my files over to Dr. Braverman.

For now I will focus on the fact that tonight is the season premiere of American Horror Story! Eeeee!

Home stretch

Yesterday was my lining check.  I was at 9.2mm and triple stripe 6 days before transfer, so everything looked good. I sat down with my nurse after the scan to review my plan for the next week and I asked her to add in another blood draw for this Saturday, the day after I drop Estrace back down from 3 to 2 pills a day. She happily obliged, as they have for everything I have asked for recently. I feel like I am some kind of VIP at my RE’s office. Everything I ask for they say, “Sure, you’ve been through so much.”  I do feel like I have been through a lot but I also know that there have to be patients there who have been through even more. More cycles, more losses, more heartbreak.

Or maybe not, considering the type of women I have run into the past few times I’ve been there.  Last Saturday there was a woman loudly playing with her toddler while her husband waited in the car. I mean come on.  He couldn’t have kept the kid in the car with him? Yesterday there was a girl talking loudly about breastfeeding her child at home. Considering some of us may never get the chance to breastfeed any child at all, she could have kept that gem to herself.

But I digress.

So tonight I am to take my first dose of Neupogen. Up until this point I have put any medication in my body that had been thrown my way without a second thought, but I am a bit nervous about this one.  I guess because I read the scary portion of the side effects where it talks about ruptured spleens and anaphylaxis. I am going to try not to think about it because I know I will give myself a panic attack if I focus too much on it.