Something I have struggled with over the last two years as we’ve dealt with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is my faith. I have never been the type of person who could recite Bible passages off the top of my head. I am not even confirmed. But I have, for most of my life, had a very strong sense of faith – And that is something I have felt wane a bit over the past few years, as much as I hate to make that admission.
I know that I can’t be the only one who wonders: If God is up there and he is as good as we’ve been taught, then how could he let this happen to me? How can he have snatched four pregnancies right out from under me? I am ashamed to admit that I have stopped going to church. I have wondered on more than one occasion – IS he up there? Is he watching over me? It sure hasn’t seemed like it sometimes.
While my faith has become significantly more diluted lately, I do still hold on to hope that he is watching out for me. He may not have given me everything I wanted in perfect timing, but I do feel him pushing me along and telling me I can keep going. I love the Mumford and Sons song from a few years back “I Will Wait”, and I consider it somewhat of an anthem for me.
Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Lately I have been hearing this song everywhere. Like, it has seriously been following me around. Anywhere from the restaurant where we had our anniversary dinner in September, to Home Depot, and the radio countless times. I have heard it so much that it is actually eerie. To me, that is the tiny push, the tiny little glimmer of God showing me he is here, and he wants me to keep going.
I know this type of faith is not for everyone. But it is something that helps me to keep going, and I think we all have to hold onto whatever helps us get out of bed each and every day.