IUI #4 was a bust. I tested negative on a few different home pregnancy tests. I did not expect it to work, deep down, but I am still really disappointed.  There are so many people who have the perfect”BFP while on a break from IVF” stories and I did truly hope to be one of them. Why am I not deserving of a miracle like that?

I have tried so hard to advocate for myself and do as much as I can to make this happen, and it has gotten me nowhere.  This is especially frustrating when I meet women in the online forums I frequent who go through IVF and still have no freaking clue how their reproductive system even works. They blindly follow their doctor’s (sometimes bad) advice and refuse to advocate for themselves, and yet so many of these women have their take home baby on the way and I still have 3 empty bedrooms upstairs.

I am tired and I don’t want to do this anymore, but the pain of failure is still less than the pain of living a permanently childless life. I have an appointment with my RE the first week of December and I assume from there we will get everything set up for IVF #2.


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