Bad Day

Almost two years ago, after a few too many surprise pregnancy announcements, I deactivated my Facebook account.  Periodically, when I’m feeling brave (or nosey) I’ll go back on and see what so many of the people I’ve lost touch with are up to.

Today, I was curious to see if any of the hundreds of people I follow on Facebook posted anything about National Infertility Awareness Week.  There are so many people on social media portraying perfect lives that, although I don’t want anyone else to suffer, it would be comforting to know that someone else out there is fighting the same battle.

I should have known it would be a bad idea.  I got sucked into a rabbit hole of looking at profile after profile.  So many women I used to be close with are now on their second or third child.  Women who got married after I did.  I feel like I’ve blinked and lost three years of my life. For my own sanity, I usually try not to compare my life to other people’s lives. But today I couldn’t help it, looking at the perfect family moments and photos that everyone else gets to have. The pain takes my breath away sometimes, when I realize that everyone else is able, with relative ease, to have the family they always dreamed of, and I am still so broken and alone.

I have learned to cope – not perfectly, but better than before – with the pain of failed cycles.  And the strain infertility imposes on our marriage, finances, social life… The list goes on.  But the loss of control over achieving my goals and dreams is something that haunts me regularly. No woman should have the ability to build a family taken away from her.  To have to sit by and watch what feels like everyone in the world create what you want so desperately. We are always told that life isn’t fair, and there is nothing like infertility to remind us how true that really is.



New FET Timeline

So, my FET is pushed back an extra month.  This is by design on my end.

I realized shortly after my last post that the revised timeline after the endo scratch timing snafu would have me transferring in late May.  After giving it some thought, I decided I was not comfortable with this timeline, as I have debilitating seasonal allergies every May. Logically I know there is probably nothing legitimate to support this thought process, but I have fears that transferring at the height of my allergy attack would cause some type of immune reaction that would kill my embryos. I just don’t want to do anything that would cause me to think “what if”, if the transfer fails.

So, I decided to tack on an extra month of birth control for a tentative June transfer. Next week I start the last pack of birth control and will touch base with my doctor to reschedule the endometrial scratch, and determine a time frame to get back on Lupron (goody!) for FET prep.

In the meantime I’ve decided I have had enough of being bloated, lazy and depressed.  So I’ve revamped my diet (no more Ben & Jerry’s!) and started a workout program. I am a couple weeks in and can already see slight progress in my body. Even better, I feel healthier and happier than I have in months!