After delaying this FET twice earlier in the year, somehow it is already time to get it started. Two weeks ago I started Lupron and had my endometrial scratch done (ouch), and last week was my baseline appointment.
The transfer is set for June 7th. Almost exactly one year after my beta for my first transfer, which ended in a chemical pregnancy. For almost every medicated/IVF cycle I’ve had in the past three years, I’ve looked for signs that the universe would align and I’d finally get pregnant with my take-home baby. Surely I would have thought that my transfer being on almost the exact date of my beta last year was some kind of sign. But, I no longer believe in signs. Or any kind of infertility serendipity. It just is what it is.
I have mixed feelings about this cycle. I certainly don’t have the excitement and hope that I felt with my first FET last year, because I know realistically now the odds of it working are slim. I’m sure there is still a tiny shred of hope deep down inside me somewhere, otherwise why would I still be doing this? I mostly feel dread and anxiety. Infertility is so much easier when you are between treatments and just living with the dull ache of childlessness day to day. The acute pain of facing another failed treatment is so much harder, and that is what fills me with dread.
As always, we have a plan for what we will do next should this transfer fail, which always helps me feel a little better.