I have opened my computer multiple times over the past few weeks to write an update, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. All I can think about is how much it would hurt to go back and read pregnancy update posts if I lose the pregnancy.
If I keep letting that fear control me, I’ll never write new posts and regardless of how this goes, I know I would regret not documenting any of this time in my life.
My 3rd beta at 5w1d rose to 6460, with a doubling time of I think around 42 hours. Again, another milestone! My first ultrasound was scheduled for 6 days after that, on June 30 at 6w exactly. I was petrified. I had multiple panic attacks. I convinced myself wholeheartedly that my pregnancy was ectopic (despite having no signs of this, aside from what are probably normal feelings in the uterus!)
At 6 weeks exactly we saw, for the first time in 3 years, a heartbeat – beating away at 110bpm. (I will never forget any of these numbers!) I was in shock. For 3 years I have pictured the moment I would first see a heartbeat and in the moment, it was so incredibly surreal. In my fantasies my husband and I would sob beautiful tears of joy and our doctor might even show a little emotion, but of course that’s not what happened. Our doctor was thrilled, but I was so surprised I just laid there like a mute idiot.
I was on a high the few days after that ultrasound, and then panic set in again. This is when I truly realized the roller coaster I was in for. The post-beta/ultrasound high followed by the return of pure anxiety. By the time our second ultrasound came around a week later at 7 weeks, I was once again convinced this was over. This time it was 2 days without nausea that made me sure.
I hopped back on the exam table for that scan just two days ago, and miraculously we saw a completely appropriately sized embryo with another wonderful heartbeat right around 150 bpm. My doctor patted me on the knee and said “Looks perfect!” Again I was a little stunned. In the realm of fertility/pregnancy, I am not accustomed to getting good news, much less hearing the word “perfect.”
At this point my doctor estimated our odds of a loss are less than 5%,but just typing those words makes me anxious as I know from experience this can be a wild ride and anything can happen. For now I am going to take it day by day and still try and enjoy the good news we have gotten so far. I decided to let my guard down a little and indulge in a trip to Babies R Us to look at some of the baby stuff I’ve tried my hardest to ignore over the past few years. I am nowhere close to ready to buy anything, but it was a great experience to feel good enough to touch a onesie and coo over it like a normal person rather than flee the store in tears.
My next ultrasound is Thursday of next week at 8 weeks exactly and all I can do is hope and pray things continue to look ok. If they do, my first OB appointment will be right around 9.5 weeks.