It has been exactly 2 weeks since my bleeding episode and my fear and anxiety since then has only escalated, despite all signs pointing towards resolution of the bleed.
I had a follow up scan a week ago which showed what was determined to be two small subchorionic bleeds, each estimated at about 2cm. The OB and midwife told me these were no big deal and they were reassured to have such a benign explanation for the bleeding I’d had. I ignored their reassurances and ran home to spend the next 48 hours googling. What I found was… scary. Many sources say these types of bleeds in the 2nd trimester are more dangerous than in the first tri and elevate your risk for all sorts of scary complications and tragedies.
Two days after that scan as the old blood started to taper off, I became paranoid that I was leaking amniotic fluid, so back to the OB I went. Despite the midwife’s reassurance that everything looked normal, including my fluid levels on ultrasound and the negative litmus paper test, I remained unconvinced. I have spent the past 5 days petrified every time I get up that my water is going to break. Or that I am going to find out at my next scan that I have been leaking after all and have no fluid left. This is beyond just an average worry. It’s a compulsive, obessive fear that I cannot stop fixating on.
I feel that my pregnancy has been totally ruined. I had exactly 7 days of pure happiness and confidence in the week leading up to this whole ordeal and now I am worse off than ever. I cringe when my family discusses plans for the baby’s arrival in February because I no longer believe there will be a live healthy baby brought home in February. I cringe again when I write those words because I wonder if, in the off chance there was going to be a baby born in February, did I just tempt fate by questioning it?
I am going insane. Completely insane. I feel an emotional misery and pain that I can’t adequately put into words. This is absolute torture. And I feel like such an ingrate and wimp for complaining this way as I know I am so lucky to be pregnant. But I am struggling big time with the anxiety, as well as mourning the loss of any hope of a normal happy pregnancy.