18 weeks: living in fear

It has been exactly 2 weeks since my bleeding episode and my fear and anxiety since then has only escalated, despite all signs pointing towards resolution of the bleed.

I had a follow up scan a week ago which showed what was determined to be two small subchorionic bleeds, each estimated at about 2cm. The OB and midwife told me these were no big deal and they were reassured to have such a benign explanation for the bleeding I’d had.  I ignored their reassurances and ran home to spend the next 48 hours googling. What I found was… scary.  Many sources say these types of bleeds in the 2nd trimester are more dangerous than in the first tri and elevate your risk for all sorts of scary complications and tragedies.

Two days after that scan as the old blood started to taper off, I became paranoid that I was leaking amniotic fluid, so back to the OB I went.  Despite the midwife’s reassurance that everything looked normal, including my fluid levels on ultrasound and the negative litmus paper test, I remained unconvinced.  I have spent the past 5 days petrified every time I get up that my water is going to break. Or that I am going to find out at my next scan that I have been leaking after all and have no fluid left.  This is beyond just an average worry. It’s a compulsive, obessive fear that I cannot stop fixating on.

I feel that my pregnancy has been totally ruined. I had exactly 7 days of pure happiness and confidence in the week leading up to this whole ordeal and now I am worse off than ever. I cringe when my family discusses plans for the baby’s arrival in February because I no longer believe there will be a live healthy baby brought home in February.  I cringe again when I write those words because I wonder if, in the off chance there was going to be a baby born in February, did I just tempt fate by questioning it?

I am going insane.  Completely insane.  I feel an emotional misery and pain that I can’t adequately put into words.  This is absolute torture.  And I feel like such an ingrate and wimp for complaining this way as I know I am so lucky to be pregnant.  But I am struggling big time with the anxiety, as well as mourning the loss of any hope of a normal happy pregnancy.

 

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13 thoughts on “18 weeks: living in fear

  1. Oh dear friend I am so sorry. This is just awful. I cant say I understand bc I know every situation is so different, but my anxiety was the highest between weeks 16-24. I literally cried everyday, multiple times a day, convinced myself my pregnancy was going to end, made numerous trips to the OB/ER, fought with my hubby, etc. I wanted to be happy so badly for the pregnancy but my past losses tainted it. At almost 27 weeks I still have anxiety but it has eased some. I still have fears but its not as horrible. Perhaps bc of viability? Im praying you will be the same way. There is hope. You are so close.

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    • It sounds like you felt really similar to how I do. I feel like the weeks before viability are terrifying, especially having experienced any risk factor over the course of the pregnancy. I count down every day to 24 weeks and just keep praying I’ll hold on until then and then beyond. Thanks for your comment, at least I know I’m not alone ❤

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  2. Definitely speak to your Dr about how you feel. I am 31 weeks and though I am in the midst of nursery preparation, I am still anxious/terrified about whether or not I get to bring my baby home. When he moves a lot, I calm down, he is fine. But I panic when he doesn’t (poor kid has to sleep sometime!). I get scanned at my OB’s office every visit to help keep me focused and calm. I still hold my breath everytime until I can see his heartbeat. I have blood pressure issues and a long family history of placental issues as well. I did find that once I hit viability, it was A LOT easier to handle, plus your OB/Midwife visits get more frequent, so you are reassured a lot more that way too.

    It is sooo difficult but try and take it 1 day at a time. Your morphology scan is coming up too, I found that very reassuring as they checked everything on baby and everything on me (including cervix length and placenta blood flow).

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  3. Oh no! I can really relate to this but I’m lucky that I haven’t had any bleeds or anything like that… I just feel anxious and every time someone mentions the pregnancy in real life I would say “If it works out” or qualify it in some way. I’ve been trying my best not to think like that. For me it became slightly easier at 20 weeks. I don’t know why exactly as it’s not viability – it’s possibly because I “came out” about my pregnancy and also I started feeling kicks more. I just try and take it one day at a time. I did resent people who could just enjoy pregnancy and assume from a positive test that it’ll go fine! I hope you start feeling better. Xx

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  4. My heart was so sad reading this. I can relate to a degree – I never relaxed in my pregnancy. I even told my friends and family not to throw me a baby shower because I was so scared to celebrate being happy. But your anxiety sounds even worse. Please, I know it is hard, but stay away from Google. You have mentioned church before, have you thought about reaching out to your pastor to discuss your fears? Or spent some time praying? For me, the only thing that alleviated my fears slightly was prayer. I understand it is not for everyone, but if you are open to it, perhaps try prayer and meditation.

    I wish you peace Akse. Hang in there as best you can.

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  5. I am sorry you are going through a tough time. You are NOT an ingrate or a wimp. I had many fears during the weeks between 16 (when we had our first/early anatomy scan) and 24, and I still have many fears to this day (31 weeks.) I’m not sure I will ever feel “safe”, and although feeling him kick is always a comfort, I am afraid that one day something will just go wrong and it will come crashing down. So, you are not alone. One day, one hour, at a time is all we can manage at times. Be kind to yourself.

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