Spiraling

After feeling really optimistic and positive for a few weeks, I am finding myself back on a downward spiral of anxiety and fear. I think it is something about entering a new trimester that brings all the fear back as I experienced this around 14-15 weeks as well.  It’s like I suddenly realize all the new potential things that could go wrong in the weeks to come and start panicking.

Since hitting 28 weeks, frequency of movement has been a major source of anxiety for me. Most days I have an extremely active baby that pretty much never stops moving, but once or twice a week he/she will have a pretty quiet day that gets me worried. If I am being honest, even on the active days when baby stops moving for an hour or two to sleep I start to panic a bit.

The frequency of movement didn’t concern me so much in the second trimester when I knew it wouldn’t be unusual to not feel movement all day, every day. However now I feel like I should be feeling it constantly and whenever I don’t, I really start to worry.  This morning I didn’t feel any kicks when I was lying in bed after waking up like I usually do. I got up and drank some juice and laid back down, and got some kicks but still not the normal activity level. I already had an OB visit scheduled for this morning so I mentioned the change in movement to my midwife. She had me do an NST and squeezed in an ultrasound. Fortunately all looked well in terms of baby’s health, but due to the level of my anxiety, that really only comforted me for a few hours.

I don’t know how I am going to make it through 9-10 more weeks with this level of anxiety. Compounding my overall feelings of stress is the fact that I was told today that baby is still breech and if he/she didn’t turn by my next growth scan in 2 weeks at 32 weeks, I would need to schedule a c-section.  I burst into tears instantly as the thought of missing out on labor and a vaginal birth makes me feel like in addition to everything infertility has taken from me, now I’ve been robbed of yet another part of the pregnancy experience. It is not the biggest deal in the world as what matters most is baby’s safe arrival, and I was told that they will continue to check baby up until the day of the section in case he/she does turn, but its still upsetting.

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6 thoughts on “Spiraling

  1. Movement frequency was a source of anxiety for me too. Don’t feel bad about going in and getting checked whenever it gets too much. Most babies will turn before the section date but if they don’t, it is great to be scheduled in.

    I ended up with a c-section because although baby was head down, he wasn’t engaged and we needed him out. I hope you get the birth experience you want 🙂

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    • Thanks so much! I’m trying to ration with myself that getting baby to term and delivered safely is what matters most but it does suck to think about the possiblity of missing out on the birth experience I was hoping for! I’ll try and remain hopeful that he or she will flip soon 🙂

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  2. I forgot to mention on my reply to you earlier that our boy was breech until 32 weeks, and I felt the same way about the section. He finally turned though so dont worry there is time! And of course now Im just worried about a vaginal birth, because really all I do is worry no matter what lol.

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  3. Never be afraid to head to the doc or ER for a NST if something feels off. My OB always encouraged that, she said they would rather everyone’s mind be eased. So don’t be afraid to go back if you need to, for your own sanity 🙂

    As for the breech – I know where I live, they don’t make the call till 37w. If your ultrasound does not go as hoped for at 32w, can you ask your doc for a recheck in 4w and go from there?

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    • Thanks for the reassurance! I get growth scans every 4 weeks so I believe they will continue to check the baby’s position and they even said they can check at 39w right before the section just in case baby somehow turned that late in the game. They have to schedule the surgery so early at 32w just to ensure the OR time but hopefully we won’t end up needing it.

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