Betas

Well, my FET was officially a success (so far), as confirmed by bloodwork this past Thursday. At 9dp5dt, my beta came in at 233.  This is by far the best beta I’ve ever had.  In my previous 3 chemical pregnancies, I never really even got out of the teens for my first betas.  For my blighted ovum,  I was at 86 at 16dpo.  I was thrilled for a few hours, but then anxiety set in.  One strong beta didn’t mean much, I told myself.  I started to get a horrible gut feeling that the number would drop for the second blood draw and that would be that.

I got my second blood draw Saturday morning and was a wreck all day waiting for the results. I sat at my kitchen table for hours, staring at my phone, not even able to move. Finally, by late afternoon I got the call that my numbers at 11dp5dt had increased to 599 – Just about a 36 hour doubling time, which is great.

Since getting that news yesterday I’ve started to feel a little more confident, but I am still terrified. I believe the odds of this working out are pretty good, but after three years of falling on the wrong side of the statistics (recurrent losses…a loss with a PGS normal embryo…etc.), I am conditioned to believe that I will always be that one in a million who gets a bad hand.

I have felt so much more anxiety in the past few days than I ever thought I would.  I always believed the past three years that once I got great looking betas I would just “know” it was a good pregnancy and could relax.  That is not the case at all.  I am terrified that I am going to end up blindsided and something bad will happen. After everything I have been through in this journey, it feels impossible to believe that all of a sudden I woke up one day, my transfer was successful, and I am really truly finally pregnant.

I have one more beta scheduled for next Friday, 5 days away. It is going to be a really tough week but I think the best I can do is keep myself preoccupied and just try the best I can to relax.  These 5 days are going to pass no matter what, so I might as well not torture myself in the meantime.

7dp5dt

I meant to document more throughout this FET and it completely fell by the wayside.  I think I maybe have been too nervous to document another failure.

My transfer day was really special.  My doctor was not scheduled to do any transfers that day, but he wanted to do ours so he made a special exception.  I keep joking with my husband about being VIP’s there. He says its not exactly the place he wants to be a VIP, but I feel like at least it makes things more pleasant!

Anyway.  The day after transfer I lounged most of the day, and my husband gave me a sweet card and got my favorite foods. Basically every day since then has been an emotional rollercoaster of me thinking it worked one second, then convinced it didn’t the next second.

Originally I had planned to take a home pregnancy test only the morning of my blood test, but this morning (7dp5dt, 2 days before beta), I changed my mind. I could not wait any longer.  The second my husband left for work, I took the one and only test we have in the house.

If I did not have the history that I do of multiple miscarriages (including a PGS normal embryo!), then I think I would have been happy with the result this morning. It was a solid line, and certainly much better of a line than I’ve ever had this early on.  And I did feel elated, for the briefest second.  Then immediately I started worrying again that this will turn out to be another chemical pregnancy like my first FET. And now I’ve basically been paralyzed with fear all morning.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to take another test tomorrow.  What if everything is fine but the test doesnt look any darker? I’ll spend the whole day having a meltdown. I think I might just want to live in ignorant and hopeful bliss until I get my blood results.

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FET #3 has begun

After delaying this FET twice earlier in the year, somehow it is already time to get it started. Two weeks ago I started Lupron and had my endometrial scratch done (ouch), and last week was my baseline appointment.

The transfer is set for June 7th. Almost exactly one year after my beta for my first transfer, which ended in a chemical pregnancy. For almost every medicated/IVF cycle I’ve had in the past three years, I’ve looked for signs that the universe would align and I’d finally get pregnant with my take-home baby. Surely I would have thought that my transfer being on almost the exact date of my beta last year was some kind of sign. But, I no longer believe in signs. Or any kind of infertility serendipity.  It just is what it is.

I have mixed feelings about this cycle. I certainly don’t have the excitement and hope that I felt with my first FET last year, because I know realistically now the odds of it working are slim.  I’m sure there is still a tiny shred of hope deep down inside me somewhere, otherwise why would I still be doing this? I mostly feel dread and anxiety. Infertility is so much easier when you are between treatments and just living with the dull ache of childlessness day to day. The acute pain of facing another failed treatment is so much harder, and that is what fills me with dread.

As always, we have a plan for what we will do next should this transfer fail, which always helps me  feel a little better.