BFN

IUI #4 was a bust. I tested negative on a few different home pregnancy tests. I did not expect it to work, deep down, but I am still really disappointed.  There are so many people who have the perfect”BFP while on a break from IVF” stories and I did truly hope to be one of them. Why am I not deserving of a miracle like that?

I have tried so hard to advocate for myself and do as much as I can to make this happen, and it has gotten me nowhere.  This is especially frustrating when I meet women in the online forums I frequent who go through IVF and still have no freaking clue how their reproductive system even works. They blindly follow their doctor’s (sometimes bad) advice and refuse to advocate for themselves, and yet so many of these women have their take home baby on the way and I still have 3 empty bedrooms upstairs.

I am tired and I don’t want to do this anymore, but the pain of failure is still less than the pain of living a permanently childless life. I have an appointment with my RE the first week of December and I assume from there we will get everything set up for IVF #2.

1dpiui

I have basically been stimming since I last updated, and had forgotten how much it kicks my ass. The fatigue over the past 2 weeks was serious!

I’m not thrilled with how the cycle went: I didn’t respond as well as I would have liked to the dose of stims I was on, and ended up with 2 follicles by trigger day, though my e2 barely reached 200 so I’m sure only one, if that, was mature. I triggered Thursday and yesterday morning was my IUI.

I’m all stocked up on pregnancy tests and ready to start POAS (peeing on a stick) starting early next week. I have literally zero hope this will work.  And not the type of thing where I just say that but secretly think there’s a chance. Really and truly, I have no hope. Then why did I even spend $2000 to do this cycle? I don’t know. I had the leftover meds, and it seemed like a better use of time than doing nothing until January. I really wish we could have just tried on our own, but my ovaries are basically useless without medication.

So, we’ll know by late this month for sure if it worked, and if not, the plan is to meet with my RE and get the ball rolling for IVF #2. We still haven’t made any final decisions about the Reproductive Immunologist. I think we’re going to wait and see how many embryos next cycle yields before we make a plan on who we do our FET(s) with.

Defeated

I have been feeling so defeated ever since our most recent FET failed and the reality hit that we have no embryos and no insurance coverage left. I know that we have been extremely fortunate to have the first ER and FET covered, but it still doesn’t change what lies ahead.

I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed by how much money we are going to sink into building our family moving forward. Our top priority is to have a biological child, and for me to carry it if at all possible.  This means we are ready to give IVF another go (well actually a few more go’s), and if that all fails, surrogacy.

My knee-jerk reaction after our last FET was to get the patient registration process started with a reproductive immunologist. But once I received all the paperwork and saw just how staggering the costs are, it became clear that if we cycle a few times there and do not take a home a baby, there is no way we can then take on the financial burden of a surrogate. We would be talking about well over six figures, and those costs are life altering. It is a huge bitter pill to swallow.

I thought we had found a saving grace last week when I discovered a shared risk package offered by my current RE: for $19k you get 3 ER’s and 3 FET’s, plus 70% of your money back if you don’t take home a baby. That would have allowed us to try a few more times on our own, take some embryos to the RI after that, and then try a surrogate if all else failed. Unfortunately today I found out we did not qualify for the program, and there are no other packages offered by my RE. In fact, while they do offer tiered pricing based on income for self-pay patients, we only qualify for the highest pricing. We just can’t catch a break. I know we are fortunate that we do well and live comfortably, but what good does that do when the price of building your family is so astronomical?

I am going to put this all on the back burner for now and start an injectable IUI cycle just to stay busy while we figure out what’s next. Tomorrow is my baseline. I have pretty much zero hope it will work, but I will still hope and pray for a miracle.