I meant to document more throughout this FET and it completely fell by the wayside.  I think I maybe have been too nervous to document another failure.

My transfer day was really special.  My doctor was not scheduled to do any transfers that day, but he wanted to do ours so he made a special exception.  I keep joking with my husband about being VIP’s there. He says its not exactly the place he wants to be a VIP, but I feel like at least it makes things more pleasant!

Anyway.  The day after transfer I lounged most of the day, and my husband gave me a sweet card and got my favorite foods. Basically every day since then has been an emotional rollercoaster of me thinking it worked one second, then convinced it didn’t the next second.

Originally I had planned to take a home pregnancy test only the morning of my blood test, but this morning (7dp5dt, 2 days before beta), I changed my mind. I could not wait any longer.  The second my husband left for work, I took the one and only test we have in the house.

If I did not have the history that I do of multiple miscarriages (including a PGS normal embryo!), then I think I would have been happy with the result this morning. It was a solid line, and certainly much better of a line than I’ve ever had this early on.  And I did feel elated, for the briefest second.  Then immediately I started worrying again that this will turn out to be another chemical pregnancy like my first FET. And now I’ve basically been paralyzed with fear all morning.  I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to take another test tomorrow.  What if everything is fine but the test doesnt look any darker? I’ll spend the whole day having a meltdown. I think I might just want to live in ignorant and hopeful bliss until I get my blood results.





Bad Day

Almost two years ago, after a few too many surprise pregnancy announcements, I deactivated my Facebook account.  Periodically, when I’m feeling brave (or nosey) I’ll go back on and see what so many of the people I’ve lost touch with are up to.

Today, I was curious to see if any of the hundreds of people I follow on Facebook posted anything about National Infertility Awareness Week.  There are so many people on social media portraying perfect lives that, although I don’t want anyone else to suffer, it would be comforting to know that someone else out there is fighting the same battle.

I should have known it would be a bad idea.  I got sucked into a rabbit hole of looking at profile after profile.  So many women I used to be close with are now on their second or third child.  Women who got married after I did.  I feel like I’ve blinked and lost three years of my life. For my own sanity, I usually try not to compare my life to other people’s lives. But today I couldn’t help it, looking at the perfect family moments and photos that everyone else gets to have. The pain takes my breath away sometimes, when I realize that everyone else is able, with relative ease, to have the family they always dreamed of, and I am still so broken and alone.

I have learned to cope – not perfectly, but better than before – with the pain of failed cycles.  And the strain infertility imposes on our marriage, finances, social life… The list goes on.  But the loss of control over achieving my goals and dreams is something that haunts me regularly. No woman should have the ability to build a family taken away from her.  To have to sit by and watch what feels like everyone in the world create what you want so desperately. We are always told that life isn’t fair, and there is nothing like infertility to remind us how true that really is.


Still waiting to start IVF #2

Since my last post, I was able to gather my new insurance information and get it over to the financial rep at my RE’s office. She called me back last week with incredible news:  My cycle has been authorized and will be covered by my insurance. I’m still waiting to see exactly what the details are, but based on the letters I received from my provider in the mail, PGS and ICSI may be covered too. It is very possible we will be responsible only for biopsy, shipping and freezing fees, plus my deductible.

I absolutely cannot believe our good fortune. I know how expensive fertility treatments are, and I feel so grateful to have had 1, possibly 2, retrievals and 1 FET covered so far.  Even with all of that coverage, we still spent $20,000 out of pocket last year, so my heart goes out to those who have no coverage whatsoever.

We are fortunate in that we live comfortably and can afford to keep doing IVF even after the insurance coverage runs out, but we also know there is realistic possibility we will be shelling out 6 figures for a gestational carrier at some point, and so we want to minimize all costs as much as possible up until that point, as that will be a life-changing expense.

As for right now, I am about halfway through a 10 day course of Prometrium, so I am expecting I will have my baseline in the next 1.5 to 2 weeks. I did get confirmation today that all of my meds have been ordered, so we are well on our way to starting the cycle. I am definitely not excited, because IVF doesn’t hold that “we’re so close to being pregnant” feeling for me since it has failed a few times already.  But I do also know that it gets me closer than not trying at all, and I am still holding out hope for a miracle.




Happy New Year!

I’ve taken a little bit of a break from blogging lately.  I haven’t had much going on as far as IVF/TTC goes, and the holiday season has been really hard this year so I’ve tried to limit my time online with forums, blogging, etc.

It was hard to realize that this was the third Christmas we have spent with empty arms. We forwent most of the Christmas celebrations with our extended family this year, mostly for my benefit as it was just too hard. (I didn’t want another repeat of last year’s Christmas Eve where I had to run out of the church sobbing).

But, in the end, we made it through another holiday season and now it is officially 2016 and time to get ready for IVF #2. We’ve been on a TTC break since November when my IUI failed, and we still have a little bit more waiting to do.  As soon as my new insurance kicks in (hopefully in the next few weeks), I have to send the information to my RE’s office.  We are going to see if the change in insurance will allow us to get another cycle authorized.

We are probably looking at late January/early February to start stims. I am so incredibly nervous to go through this process again, especially the part where we wait to find out how many blasts we get and how many test PGS normal. I am terrified that last time was a fluke with 3 normal embryos and that we won’t be able to get any this time around.

I’m trying to take it one step at a time though. For now I am going to desperately try and lose the 5+lbs I gained while eating my feelings away the past 6 months.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! If you are anything like me, Thanksgiving is the start of a very difficult time of year, one that is very family-centered. It has become difficult to celebrate a time of year I once loved, when the holidays have become an especially painful reminder of my empty arms .

There has been a great article circulating called “It’s okay not to be okay this Thanksgiving.” I thought it perfectly captured a lot of what I’ve been feeling, and it’s reassuring to hear that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I struggle a little to overlook my infertility and count my other blessings this year.

I am grateful that my husband and I were on the same page this year, to take it easy and not participate in many of the holiday celebrations with our parents and extended family. I know to some, that may seem dramatic or cold. But this is the third holiday season we have been grappling with infertility and with no end in sight, I think everyone has to cope in a way that is best for them.

Whether you are still in an emotional place where you can dive right in to the family celebrations, or like me choose a quieter acknowledgement of the holiday, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving in their own special way.


I was feeling hopeful about this FET until this week turned into a complete disaster.

Wednesday night I fell asleep early and woke up nauseous, dizzy, confused and numb all over.  Thinking I was having a bad reaction to one of my meds, I went to the ER. 6 hours and 10 vials of blood later, nothing was wrong with me.  I still don’t know what happened, although my husband thinks it was a panic attack.  With the state my body was in, I can’t imagine it was good for my embryos.

Thursday afternoon I was going through my work bag and found a Ziploc bag with 2 little blue pills in it, meaning I completely forgot to take my Estrace at some point this week.  That can’t have been good for my lining.  I honestly would be shocked if that didn’t ruin the whole cycle.

Today is 4dp5dt and I am having period-like cramping. I know some say it is a good sign, but I have technically been pregnant 4 times before this and with none of those BFP’s did I get this type of cramping.  I normally get some very distinct poking feelings in my stomach, which are totally absent this time. I really want to test and get the disappointment over with, but I’m not in the mood to play the “is it a line?” game today.

Originally I was going to hold off until beta day to test, but I’m now thinking I’ll test on 7dp5dt. I know a BFN at that point isn’t going to change, and I’m working from home that day so I can take the day to cry and feel sorry for myself without having to put a smile on for anyone.

Home stretch

Yesterday was my lining check.  I was at 9.2mm and triple stripe 6 days before transfer, so everything looked good. I sat down with my nurse after the scan to review my plan for the next week and I asked her to add in another blood draw for this Saturday, the day after I drop Estrace back down from 3 to 2 pills a day. She happily obliged, as they have for everything I have asked for recently. I feel like I am some kind of VIP at my RE’s office. Everything I ask for they say, “Sure, you’ve been through so much.”  I do feel like I have been through a lot but I also know that there have to be patients there who have been through even more. More cycles, more losses, more heartbreak.

Or maybe not, considering the type of women I have run into the past few times I’ve been there.  Last Saturday there was a woman loudly playing with her toddler while her husband waited in the car. I mean come on.  He couldn’t have kept the kid in the car with him? Yesterday there was a girl talking loudly about breastfeeding her child at home. Considering some of us may never get the chance to breastfeed any child at all, she could have kept that gem to herself.

But I digress.

So tonight I am to take my first dose of Neupogen. Up until this point I have put any medication in my body that had been thrown my way without a second thought, but I am a bit nervous about this one.  I guess because I read the scary portion of the side effects where it talks about ruptured spleens and anaphylaxis. I am going to try not to think about it because I know I will give myself a panic attack if I focus too much on it.