Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! If you are anything like me, Thanksgiving is the start of a very difficult time of year, one that is very family-centered. It has become difficult to celebrate a time of year I once loved, when the holidays have become an especially painful reminder of my empty arms .

There has been a great article circulating called “It’s okay not to be okay this Thanksgiving.” I thought it perfectly captured a lot of what I’ve been feeling, and it’s reassuring to hear that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I struggle a little to overlook my infertility and count my other blessings this year.

I am grateful that my husband and I were on the same page this year, to take it easy and not participate in many of the holiday celebrations with our parents and extended family. I know to some, that may seem dramatic or cold. But this is the third holiday season we have been grappling with infertility and with no end in sight, I think everyone has to cope in a way that is best for them.

Whether you are still in an emotional place where you can dive right in to the family celebrations, or like me choose a quieter acknowledgement of the holiday, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving in their own special way.

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BFN

IUI #4 was a bust. I tested negative on a few different home pregnancy tests. I did not expect it to work, deep down, but I am still really disappointed.  There are so many people who have the perfect”BFP while on a break from IVF” stories and I did truly hope to be one of them. Why am I not deserving of a miracle like that?

I have tried so hard to advocate for myself and do as much as I can to make this happen, and it has gotten me nowhere.  This is especially frustrating when I meet women in the online forums I frequent who go through IVF and still have no freaking clue how their reproductive system even works. They blindly follow their doctor’s (sometimes bad) advice and refuse to advocate for themselves, and yet so many of these women have their take home baby on the way and I still have 3 empty bedrooms upstairs.

I am tired and I don’t want to do this anymore, but the pain of failure is still less than the pain of living a permanently childless life. I have an appointment with my RE the first week of December and I assume from there we will get everything set up for IVF #2.

Faith

Something I have struggled with over the last two years as we’ve dealt with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is my faith. I have never been the type of person who could recite Bible passages off the top of my head. I am not even confirmed. But I have, for most of my life, had a very strong sense of faith – And that is something I have felt wane a bit over the past few years, as much as I hate to make that admission.

I know that I can’t be the only one who wonders: If God is up there and he is as good as we’ve been taught, then how could he let this happen to me? How can he have snatched four pregnancies right out from under me? I am ashamed to admit that I have stopped going to church. I have wondered on more than one occasion – IS he up there? Is he watching over me? It sure hasn’t seemed like it sometimes.

While my faith has become significantly more diluted lately, I do still hold on to hope that he is watching out for me. He may not have given me everything I wanted in perfect timing, but I do feel him pushing me along and telling me I can keep going. I love the Mumford and Sons song from a few years back “I Will Wait”, and I consider it somewhat of an anthem for me.

Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Lately I have been hearing this song everywhere. Like, it has seriously been following me around. Anywhere from the restaurant where we had our anniversary dinner in September, to Home Depot, and the radio countless times. I have heard it so much that it is actually eerie. To me, that is the tiny push, the tiny little glimmer of God showing me he is here, and he wants me to keep going.

I know this type of faith is not for everyone. But it is something that helps me to keep going, and I think we all have to hold onto whatever helps us get out of bed each and every day.

1dpiui

I have basically been stimming since I last updated, and had forgotten how much it kicks my ass. The fatigue over the past 2 weeks was serious!

I’m not thrilled with how the cycle went: I didn’t respond as well as I would have liked to the dose of stims I was on, and ended up with 2 follicles by trigger day, though my e2 barely reached 200 so I’m sure only one, if that, was mature. I triggered Thursday and yesterday morning was my IUI.

I’m all stocked up on pregnancy tests and ready to start POAS (peeing on a stick) starting early next week. I have literally zero hope this will work.  And not the type of thing where I just say that but secretly think there’s a chance. Really and truly, I have no hope. Then why did I even spend $2000 to do this cycle? I don’t know. I had the leftover meds, and it seemed like a better use of time than doing nothing until January. I really wish we could have just tried on our own, but my ovaries are basically useless without medication.

So, we’ll know by late this month for sure if it worked, and if not, the plan is to meet with my RE and get the ball rolling for IVF #2. We still haven’t made any final decisions about the Reproductive Immunologist. I think we’re going to wait and see how many embryos next cycle yields before we make a plan on who we do our FET(s) with.